lida was in a car accident this morning. she is lucky to be alive. i swear she had some angels with her. her car is totally gone. the people who pulled over to see if she was ok thought that she would be dead. she was on the gardiner and she hit some black ice and spun and kept hitting the gard rail. she finally stopped against a post and the light from the post fell (that is how hard she hit it.) i thank god that she is ok. every muscle has been pulled and she can't move. i still can't stop shaking and i keep crying. she said her car was in pieces. the hood of her car was under her car. she said when she was walking along the road...she kept finding pieces of her car. my god. thank you thank you thank you that she is ok. i dont know what i would do without her. i was in total shock when she was telling me. all i kept saying was oh my god. oh my god. thank you for protecting her. you never know what can happen from one second to the next. its crazy. i cant stop crying. god please make everything be ok with her. her brother was in one last night and she was in one this morning. god please bless and protect her and her family.

so bored...more online tests

The Healer

You are a rare individual. Idealistic almost to a fault, the Healer is known for his or her selfless and caring nature. Oftentimes a quiet sort, you have a hidden passion for life that no one else can understand. You want to -- and you can -- make such a difference in this world. The question you often find yourself asking is, "Why can't other people see this side of me?" Unfortunately, that's just your nature. Lots of people (who you may resent) go out seeking attention, but you'd rather have it come to you. That doesn't always happen because its just not a perfect world.

People who don't know you might first think "boring" when speaking with you. You know better, though -- even if you are tempted to believe them at times. To those that know better, you can be an incredibly special friend. Seek out these kinds of people and you'll find life to be much richer -- let the others miss out on the hidden treasure that is you.

Throughout your life, you may face an awkward internal fight between good and bad. Your desire to do right is balanced by an equally-powerful need to avoid wrong. Everyone makes bad decisions -- that's just a part of life. But when you do something you know is wrong, that stupid conscience of yours makes you feel terrible. Oh, the horrors of being a Healer.

Possible Careers: Social Worker, College Professor


well i just found out about 2 hours ago that my ex is engaged. the girl he is engaged to is the girl that he cheated on me with. it has been a long time since the two of us were together but i feel weird. when he cheated on me i said that he would eventually marry her and well i guess now he is. i knew it was coming. besides the feeling i got when they first got together, there have been so many other things that have been pointing in that direction. a while ago they bought a house together and they do a lot of other serious couple things. she is a family friend and they met at a wedding. i wish him happiness, i swear i do, but i feel weird. i am actually sad and i don't know why. i am happy that i am not with him. i did not like the person he became or the WEAK person i became with him. (well for the first while i was strong, until i realized that i based all my strength on him. so when he left. i was this thing. not a person. i was soooooooooo weak. looking back now i can't believe that was me) i think i must be sad because i don't have anyone right now and that could have been me. he did ask me to marry him. i refused, actually i didn't respond. we were broken up but still hanging out and doing stuff couples do. we were together but not officially. we went for a walk and he just stopped and said, antonietta will you marry me. as he was saying that some car pulled up beside us and the girl inside said, hey you want some candy. then she apologized cuz she thought i was someone else. and then we kept walking. so i didn't respond. if we couldn't even make our relationship work at the time how could we possibly make a marriage work. i was 19 or 20 when he asked me. i don't even remember. the weird thing is is that he has appeared in my dreams all week and i saw 3 people who looked like him. and then today i found out. weird eh?
anyway, i knew this day would come but i feel weird. i know it will pass. i guess even though i knew, it still kind of caught me off guard.

amy and joe are engaged as well. i haven't talked to her in 2 months so i don't know the details, but i don't think she is to thrilled because i think she would have called me and told me. the funny thing is that just before christmas we went out (me, amy , joe) and we were talking about marriage. amy said she wasn't ready for it and that if he asked her she would say no. apparently joe had to force the ring on her finger. NOT A GOOD SIGN. i don't know. if i find out details i will update.

other than that not much happened today.
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2nd day of vacation

well it is now my 2nd day of vacation. i haven't achieved any of the things i had planned on. yesterday i planned on researching for my essay. went to richview...found absolutely nothing useful. today i planned on reading for my class tomorrow night. i have tried reading this book 4x and i have gotten no where. this is the first book at university that i actually don't understand. there have been a couple that i had to read sections over but none of them have been this bad. today was a write off. i also had to do a bunch of little things. (call insurance co, call sympatico etc) then joe wanted to stay with me sooooooooo much today. and of course i cannot refuse him. i love him so much. he makes me smile everyday. :) tomorrow i am meeting janice in the morning and then i am going straight to school. i am going to spend the day in the library. i don't have a maya account (need it to use the internet at school) so there will be no distractions. also i don't know anyone there anymore so in a way that is good too. thursday i am finally gonna see lida. i miss her. i am very happy to be seeing her. i still have her xmas present. then friday i am meeting dianne. i never get to see anyone anymore so in this week that i have off i have to squeeze everyone in. kind of difficult. i am a little stressed. i cannot wait until school is over. it stresses me out so much. i have so many books (not for school) that i can't wait to read but i have been waiting because i have to finish the ones for school first. first week of april and its over. (i hope)

Take the "Which
Nationality Are You?" test
at OuchCryManson

Made by: gothichic666 and ecology

well my background is italian so this fits. ha
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    t.v 3rd rock from the sun

Angels video

i finally saw the tea party video for angels. Finally. practically everyone i know has seen it. i liked it. too bad L wasn't in it. that would have been very cool. oh well.
today i came home early from work. i left at 9:30am. i felt so crappy. i am feeling a little better now. i missed the first day back of class which i can't really afford to miss. i hope he doesn't take too many participation marks off.
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    Angels THE TEA PARTY

2002 Mazda Protege 5

well i picked up my first car. its a 2002 mazda protege 5. its black. like it would be any other colour. so far i have already put 100 clicks on it. ha ha. i love driving. need to practice parking. god i hate that. anyway...went to pick it up yesterday. drove home and then to auntie M's house. they liked it too. went to show it to nonna. no other friends besides the girls at work and L know about it. don't really know when i am gonna tell everyone else. lots of negative vibes around lately. i have a necklace of isis hanging from the mirror and the 1st cd played was the tea party. like i would let anything else be first. i must tell A about it. haven't had a chance yet. drove A.T home today. felt bad. i made her wait forever before we could leave. so far so good. may the gods keep me and all those in it safe.

in other starts again tomorrow....oh god. i don't want to go anymore. i am sooooooooooooooooo sick of that place. need to leave it soon. feel negative being there. i am not supposed to be there anymore. god help me. haven't done any of the work i had hoped to get done. crap. gonna be stressed tomorrow.

anyway...i don't feel much like writing tonight. gonna go to bed early tonight...actually feeling tired. better go b4 it passes.
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    crap on tv...still waiting for angels video

what i did for new years

A, J, P, A, and A went for dinner and then to see lion king. the lion king was amazing. i heard it was good. the costumes were beautiful. i especially liked the giraffe and the cheetah. timon and pumba (i hope that is spelt right) were funny. they are my fave characters in the cartoon. nala had an amazing voice. i was really impressed. after that we went back to the crowne plaza. we got the room for free thanks to air miles. :) however the room we stayed in was worth 350 a night. it was nice but not that nice. i would not spend that much on a hotel room. around 3:00am..the fire alarm went off. it was crazy. we actually had to evacuate. an hour later we were able to go back to our rooms. i had a good time. i wasn't sure how it was going to end up but i am pleased with it. i hope that this year proves to be better than last yr.

i really don't feel like writing much tonight so i am gonna stop now
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    U2 New Years Day

welcome to a confused thoughts...

my thoughts are all jumbled. this entry is probably going to be all over the place. (here's hoping that writing in a journal again will help)as with every other year ending i reflect on the events of the year that has just past and on my life as a whole. the result-- me in tears. i don't know why but i always find this time of the year very difficult.
"everything's so blurry and everyone's so fake, everybody's empty and everything's so messed up...can u take it all away?" (puddle of mudd)
it seems as though every year i realize i need to move away from someone i thought was a very good friend. this yr it was k, s, and another who i still am having trouble dealing with. i try and stay positive after i have been hurt and i say that's ok and i move on and allow new people into my heart...only to find ...the same thing happening again. i think i was better off when i had the "wall" surrounding me. its weird for me though. i have always been surrounded by a large group of friends.

this year i turned 25. i still can't believe it. i feel like i am 5 years behind. i don't feel like i am where i am supposed to be. i am having problems finding my "home". when i was younger i thought by this age i would have a career, be in a serious relationship, have finished school, be out of my parents house, and be comfortable with who i am. i do not have any of these things. i hate my job...i am thankful that i have a job, but it gets worse ever day. i do not have a boyfriend and at this point i don't even have a potential one. hopefully this will be my last fucking course that i will have to take at york. (still damning the day i stepped foot on that campus) i was going to leave home this year because it got to the point that i couldn't take it anymore. after i made this decision and informed my parents of this...things changed around here. (i made my mother cry, which is something i have never done before and have not forgiven myself for yet.) i think that they don't realize that i am 25 years old and that i am independent and i have a mind of my own. i am thankful of my upbringing because it has made me the person i am today but i don't agree with half of the stuff they do. result--constant arguing. nothing i do is right...even silly things...ex...when i clean the house i am not doing it fast enough...i didn't know there was a speed limit on cleaning. well i am still here. gonna be for a long while now because i bought the car.
and as for being comfortable with is gonna be a cold day in hell when i can actually say that i am there. this does get better day to day but i find this very difficult. i am very hard on myself.. about everything. i dislike the person i have become this year. i know it is not the true me. i miss the person i was before. i know that i will get back to her but it is going to take another long process. probably harder than the first one i went through. such is life though..."all my life i've been wandering looking for teachers with the keys nothing found still searching..." (The Tea Party) i have too much negativity within me and surrounding me. need to break free from it. my soul has become dim. need to get to another place.

"i stand with arms wide open.." (The Maker)
i find myself listening to this song almost every day. i don't know if it is JM's voice, the music or the lyrics, but when i listen to this song, i feel 3 and a half minutes of mental peace. (a very rare occurence in my head) i was raised catholic, but i don't follow this one religion...(a problem for my parents) i kind of have my own religion. i believe that there is a higher power but i don't believe all the "things" i am supposed to. i don't believe that someone has to be a part of a certain religion to be spiritual. not going to continue this topic or i will never end this entry.

i finally bought a car. i have not picked it up yet because of the holidays and the insurance mix up but hopefully i can pick it up this week. it is a 2002 black mazda protege 5. i am excited but scared about this purchase. it is the first major purchase i have made on my own. we shall see what happens. whoo hoo no more depending on other people for rides.

now that i feel a little calmer in my head...not as much static..i am going to go for a while. i am tired. i always feel tired when i think about this stuff. i will write later about what i did for new years.
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    The Tea Party The Maker